Free myself. Free myself instead of waiting for someone or some event to free me. I’m ready. It’s time. I want it to happen. I’m closing down everything, every open cycle, every door opened and aired. Multiple lines of action moving to some nearby point of culmination. Little things, they must be signs; Mark leaving town. Shari’s washer should be fixed soon. I’ve got no real place to live. Warehouse is cleaned and emptied. Things are stored. Everything is ready, everything but this paper, this document that holds my future in balance…
I feel really stupid sometimes when I realize in retrospect the sorts of things I take as meaningful or useful information, omens if you will. Like I’m constantly reading the chaotic, ever-flowing bones of every situation.
Anyway, I’ve cleared my mind as well as I can. I know what I want and I’ve done all I know in order to effect it. So now I wait. I don’t like waiting. It’s shit. It’s All Godot all the time here. If I can figure out how not to wait, then I would, but I don’t know how to… I’m drinking coffee and waiting which is one of the worst ways of trying to wait there could be. I think a lot about failure. I try to pull myself together. I succeed temporarily. I talk to a lady who says everything happens for a reason. I agree with her, but I still don’t feel very good.
My soul is tired. I don’t want to live in coffee bars anymore. I don’t want to be in Baltimore. I don’t think I want that much, mostly I don’t want. I want to go. I want to be free and it keeps evading me. Maybe it always will? I don’t want to get drunk and high all the time. I’m ready to change. I’m ready to go. I want to cry but it just doesn’t come. I know I shouldn’t let myself get so bent out by this. Things are still mostly OK. I need to adjust my thinking. I need to get back to accepting things I guess. This shit just keeps going around in circles. I’m sure I needed to take some real action, I did that. Now my desire to see things go to completion is driving me crazy.
A test? Sure, anything can go under that category. I wonder if I’m failing? I’m at the point where I’m giving up on everything I wanted to do this year. This doesn’t feel like Success. The world as I’m seeing it right now is like some receding blip in my vision. All I have is struggling against nothing. I had it right for a little while this morning and soon enough I’ll start drinking again and it’ll all be ok again. I don’t think things will ever make sense and I’m about to stop caring. This doesn’t seem like a good thing, it also doesn’t seem like the proper outcome for some lesson I’m gathering from all of this. I don’t know how to cope anymore but to stop caring.
