It was a hot day. Sun was unobstructed and it felt like a steam bath. It was over ninety and it had rained for just a few minutes, "thick" would describe it well. The funeral had been that morning and we were all gathered at my aunt’s house for a reception. Little sandwiches and potato salad, some coffee, fruit and tiny cakes.
I'm hungry but I can't eat much of anything, I'm gluten intolerant and the wheat conspiracy goads me like a comicbook nemesis, sneering and assailing me everywhere I go. My cousin has the same problem, but decided he would ignore it. He had a few feet of intestine removed. I’ll refrain and allow people to consider me troublesome.
I go out to the pool. My uncle Mike is there. He's a jarring, right-wing, sarcastic jerk. I really like him. He sees things his way, he's straight and he'll never leave you with a veil of mystery about his feelings. He's also very loving which doesn't seem to me like it should fit, but he makes it work. He's also my Godfather. His wife Aunt Nancy is there too. They are very similar in views though she isn't as driving a sarcastic element. We get along very well. We get into a conversation where she starts talking about my cousin Uni who I haven't seen in 16ish years. Uni is very close with them.
My cousin Uni was in town from San Francisco to visit with them in Connecticut. She related all the crazy things my cousin was into and then her husband chimed in with his extraordinary sarcasm. It was really funny and intriguing. I hadn't seen Uni in a long time and there aren't too many people in the family whom I am like or feel that I can talk to, but here was my aunt describing someone who had done a lot of things that sound very familiar and right to me.
I told Aunt Nancy I wanted Uni's number and she told me that she was planning to come down to NJ in a few days. I hadn't thought about her in years. I felt like I was going to have a chance to find my lost sister, all sorts of cheesy, funny and even longing sensations ran through my mind. It could be like Luke finding out his sister was alive and could become a Jedi as well!
I'm an only child. In the summer when I was quite young I would go to Atlantic City with my grandmother. Uni lived there, we are very close in age, and we would go to the beach together with her sister Elizabeth. Uni and I always got on very well. Once every summer we would get to go to Connecticut to see uncle Mike together. Then it stopped. I didn't see her and we never talked and I don't know why.
My grandmother was in the pool. She heard what we were talking about and said, "You know, she had a real case for you when you were little". This of course was funny. I especially liked the 40's slang usage of the word "Case". My aunt chimed in with some supportive bit like, "Oh yea, you two loved each other".
I started remembering her more as we were all talking, I also remembered my Uncle Tom being uncomfortable leaving us alone because we were so likely to wrestle. He became really uncomfortable when that happened. His face would turn red as he leaned over the car seat, driving on the highway, to discipline us by volume and mean-face.
Uncle Tom became angry easily and had a temper. We used to play cards and he would try to cheat and even at 10 years old I could beat him. My grandfather, Duke, really knew how to make him mad and smiled whether he won or not. When people get mad they lose at cards. That was a big education. Duke is still alive, Tom isn’t, that is also a big education.
It wasn't the kind of wrestling where anyone was trying to win and come to think of it, I don't think I ever made her cry or even got mad at her, I guess I really did care about her, it was like we didn't want anything to get in the way of whatever we were doing. More mature than a lot of my adult relationships. Her sister couldn't stand it. She hated us both whenever we were together. We did cut her out of things though, kids can be mean.
In a conversation with my mother later I was talking about the poolside talk. She looked at me and kind of cracked a mischievous smile. "Uni huh? She really had a thing for you when you were kids!", I replied with something like, "Yea, Nan said something similar, it might be a little weird if she still feels that way.". My mom laughed, "You know you two aren't related at all.". She explained the intricacies of that part of the family. This created something I would almost describe as dilemma, but it wasn't. I did have to reevaluate my feelings in the light of this though, like what would Luke do if he found out Lea wasn't his sister?
I feel bizarre. It's all so distant and confused and seemingly from another life. I called her. We spoke for a moment, but the timing was poor, she sounded confused but excited, we had to let it go. We called back and forth for most of a week. I finally got through to her on my way up to my mother's today. We spoke for 2 hours. It was a really refreshing and warm conversation.
Her voice was so familiar but matured and saying words a thirteen year old would only say in a movie. The mix of memory, sense and emotion was disarming. The sound of her voice was doing things to me, it slid past any filtering or barrier I might have had. I felt like a kid, but then I realized we were discussing mystical religion and personal development in what seemed to be an erudite but relaxed manner.
"When are you going to be around? We've got to do something!", I declared. She agreed a lot. It turns out she was already in NJ, just not in Atlantic City, but would be there the next morning. She said she'd call me when she got in.
I'm trying not to let my self think over it all too much. It's a really complicated set of feelings and the only way I can see to approach it is just to go, no expectations, no plans. Chips fall where they may... I am glad we're not related though. :-)
